Baffled by Life

The Search for Adequacy At Least



Hey kids.


Maybe let's try this again. our maybe I should jump ship to another platform. Tumblr, WordPress or some such. Not blogger. Been there, done that. I've heard it's mostly dead here and most of the people on my f list have likely moved on. I'm partly annoyed that I stopped writing because it was therapeutic to one extent or another. Eh, whatever.


I took a break from grad school in the fall because... well, as we know mental health has never been my forte, and things were bad enough that I just couldn't go forward anymore. I was actually going to quit, because I couldn't see any other option at the time, but was convinced to take a leave first by my supervisor.


The fall was all about recovery and recharging. This winter is getting back on my feet. This spring, being functional. This summer, excelling. Sounds reasonable but my plans rarely work out.


Things are obviously better else I wouldn't be heading back (yet). I still have a long road ahead of me to learn to manage this - turns out I have bipolar disorder, either Type II or a somewhat similar phenotype that falls under "Not Otherwise Specified" - a DSMIV catch-all subcategory for variants that don't fit neatly into the classical type I or type II.


Turns out that I inherited this from my mother's side, as my uncle, grandmother and likely great-grandfather are bipolar in one way or another. Yay genetics. Yay batshit crazy relatives making a bit more sense.


The worst part of all this is that being diagnosed with a chronic mental illness like this made me do a lot of introspection (quel surprise!) and suddenly deal with the fact that so much of my life and behaviours and even personality can be explained through the lens of bipolar disorder that is difficult to not feel like my identity has been erased. That is maybe a difficult thing to explain. I'll write on that some other time.


I've learned a lot about myself in the last while. Despite almost taking a complete break from life and accomplishing virtually nothing to advance my career (if I indeed can still salvage an academic career at this point), there has been some worth in this.


Time for bed. Until next time.






Hey LJ.

What's new?

I'm sick. Have the flu, or a chest cold. Not totally sure. Leaning towards flu now. Been with my bf since May, things are pretty serious there. He's very quickly become my rock. He's briefly met my father, and said hello to my mother over skype, but no other interaction with my parents. I guess it's the same way on his side - I've met his parents once so far.

My PhD is going okay I guess... Not as well as I wanted. I guess maybe my expectations for myself are too high, but more pressingly I think that I just don't have the strength to break myself of some of my bad habits. Part of my problem is that I keep not doing any work on weekends because I'm spending that time with the bf since we aren't in the same city anymore... That's life, I guess.

I was going to write more but I really need to get sleep and take care of myself. Can't afford to be sick for long.



A brief important update.

I've been dating someone for the past two months. We drove into Toronto for Pride today, shared some time with friends of his, and a friend of mine. When he dropped me off at my house afterwards, I told him I loved him for the first time. He loves me, too, he replied after he kissed me. I already knew as much - it's hard to miss the way he looks at me.

It was a good day. :-)



Insomnia and the big bug.

So, I'm sick with Norwalk, or something like it. On the recovery end, at least, but I had a bad dehydration episode on Sunday night last weekend and had to be hospitalized overnight. I'm okay (3 IV bags of saline later), don't worry. Anyway... it's been slow going. I've not been able to accomplish anything worthwhile this week. I'm hoping that I'll have this kicked by Sunday so that I can really dig into my research work, or this damn paper is never going to get written and I won't have anything for the conference in July, either.

Ha ha ha, he says.

Anyway... I really wish the random gut stuff would quit waking me up in the middle of the night and quit keeping me from falling asleep. I have a hard enough time with this stuff when I'm *not* sick.



So sick of my apartment being shown.

Yeah. So, my landlord started showing my apartment for new lease *IN JANUARY*. The lease doesn't end until August 31... Sigh. Anyway, according to them, the Tenant Act, the moment you tell the landlord that you are leaving, they can start showing your place whenever they want between 8am and 8pm with no notice to the tenant. Which seems ridiculous to me, but my circumstances aren't 'normal', either, so the law is pretty reasonable for most people and their leases. Most landlords don't ask their tenants four months into a year-long lease whether or not they will be staying on the next September - and force you to sign a new agreement that January, or start showing the place.

It's now the end of March. The apartment has not rented yet. They are still booking in tons of appointments, as in four or five a week. They kept giving less than 24 hours notice so I bitched, and they've since started being a little more accomodating and giving me 2-3 days notice.

Today, though, was the first time I've come home to find shit messed with.

I had a poster up in my room, one given to me by talktooloose of Hanuman from a vacation to India. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but when I came home tonight it was on the floor of my room with a tear in the middle of it. Not a tape-able tear, but a *hole*.

So, again, I'm not sure what happened, other than maybe it fell and someone stepped on it or something? I'd like to believe it was something like that, and not something malicious. But still... you'd think the assholes viewing the apartment would at least have the sense to move it out of the way or something...

Anyway... I'm pissed and disappointed. Trying to decide what to do with the poster.



Sigh, I don't watch enough good film.

I guess I should make more time for it. Or just realize that being a grad student sucks and I can't do a lot of the things I want to do and get off this crazy train. Anyway... this looks cute.



Still trying to decide whether offended or amused.


Also? Lol.

Stan Lee reveals which Marvel superhero has the best penis.

LOL Fantastic Four lol.




So... I just had a 21 year old message me about my online dating profile. Despite him having a relatively interesting profile otherwise, the age gap immediately disqualifies this guy. I'm okay with about a five year span of ages above and below my own, but this was too much. I messaged him back saying as much and wishing him luck finding that special someone.

What really weirded me out, though, was the guy's eyes and smile. They were way too similar to my brother's smile, the one a couple years younger than me. Bleh. No thanks.



Some mindless entertainment. On the verge of NSFW.

After artkouros's post on Kazaky, I did some youtubing. This isn't a bad mashup, I have to say.

For something with a little more substance, I present Taylor Mali's rant about what teachers make.




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